Thursday, May 10, 2007

Sleeping nude or not?

Last two nights, I was experimenting my sleeping types.Could I say "types"? Who cares? I usually sleep with my clothes on including my undies. But, I was getting bored and wanted to try something new. Just to let you, that I am not staying alone, so it's bit risky when I have to sleep naked. I can't imagine their reactions when they found out since I can't lock my door.haha Ok first night I tried to wear nothing at all. Only my skin that kept me warm and of course I surrounded myself with a thick blanket. It is near winter now so a blanket is necessary. Ok bedtime was great. I felt "free", it was very comfortable. And I can feel my body feel the tension of being "free" causing me an erection before I entered to my dream. The best thing still wasn't ended yet. In the middle of the night, I felt the excitement in my body (Read: arousal) and I was sure that I had my wet dream again. Yeah...again..I had a wet dream too the night before (read my Un- gay wet dream). So it was like two times in a row. I must say it is quite rare now since I don't remember the last wet dream. I must say that masturbation played an important role that I didn't have much wet dream in the last few months. The next day, I wore only my boxer and nothing much more exciting than wearing nothing at all. So, I should say...sleep more in nude and will make your days better and only to remember to lock your door...

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Sweet morning kiss

You have to see how the boys kissed. ARggghh So sweett..

Monday, May 7, 2007

Un-Gay Wet Dream and "HIM" on the train

I had a wet dream last night. Surprisingly, I wasn't dreaming about guys which I always had. This time, it was a girl. It was a bit unreal for me since I never had dreamt a lady that could wet my boxer. However, it was only a dream. Or maybe it was a sign that inside of me still have sexual tendency towards women? Who knows...Once again, it was only a dream.

I saw "him" again today on the train. He looks like Lee Hom, very handsome Taiwanese singer. He sat in front of me and there was a single moment that we stared at each other. OMG... I felt the rush in my body. He was too good looking. He is definitely my type. My heart was melting in the middle of sunny day. I have seen him three times. Exptecting to meet him again. It was more than enough just by looking at him and I could say he made my day.

My Final Fantasy

If he were the fireman, I would definitely set my house on fire.

Saturday, May 5, 2007

Gay Friend

I wanted to post something today. But, I didn't know what to write on the blog. Until, I read my first ever comment. Honestly, I felt a bit "low" when I noticed in the first three days, there was no single comment posted on my blog. I thought maybe my posts weren't so "exciting" that people just visited and went away just in a nick of times. No worries. I still received one precious comment from Ian. A comment that keep me motivated to write another one. He advised me that I shouldn't worry too much cause I am still young and try to find gay friends. Gay friends...yes gay friends....I am gay but I don't have any gay friends. Ok now you would think that I am a lousy, bad and C grade gay boy. Maybe yes...maybe no. Actually I have reasons that I don't have any. I spent my whole academic years from kindergarten to high school in one of the smallest city in Indonesia. So being gay was a taboo. There was no single conversation about gay in my school. I am not lying. People think everybody is straight. Gay is the word only mentioned in modern countries. So, I don't remember any gay couple that I knew in my place. That is why it is affecting me on how I handle my gay life. I don't go to gay places. It is because I am scared, I am not ready to let people know that I am gay and I am too stupid to expect something good coming in my gay life without doing anything that make me really "enter" into the gay world. The only thing that make me gay are visiting gay porn websites and becoming horny when I see hot guys. That's all. Yeah, I am still young, I still have the chance but when I have to grab the chance. The only place that I try to lure guys' attentions is in public transports. And you don't want to know how I made the moves because if they were successful I won't be here nagging about my life. Talking about "nagging". I feel that my blog is all about frustrations. Maybe something good will happen next. Hope so...

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Gay in a family

First of all, I love my family. There is nothing in this world that can replace their positions. As I am the only son and raised in Asian family background. I would be expected to marry a wife, have babies and carry on the family name to the next generations. Considering I am gay, should I able to carry on this task? I can't imagine what my family will react when they know that I am gay. I still remember that my mom once told me if she had a son that was gay, she would go crazy. Mom, I really love you and I don't want anything happen to you, but I am the one that might cause you go insane. Will you still love me when you know the truth? To my Dad, he is the everything that keeps this family survive. He is strong. Anyway, something happened between him and I for the past few years and now we are getting better and better. I would expect that my Dad won't be so frustrated as my mom if he knew that I was gay. Because he always say he will be happy as long as I am happy so do my mom. Just I think my mom won't accept the fact easily. For my sister, I won't worry so much as she has already had her own family to worry about. So the only concerns is: should I act as a heterosexual just to keep my family knows that they have a straight boy in the house? Living in a denial is nothing but struggling.

Coming Out (Not yet)

I really like coming out stories. Different people have their own unique ways in telling the truth to the world. But for me, coming out is impossible for me at least for the time being. Otherwise, If there is a guy out there that really love me and I love him too. I will take the risks and confess to my family straight away. But, is there really a Mr.Right waiting for me??A big question mark though....Have you found yours?

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Desperate Gay Boy

I went to gym on Monday. I had made appointment with my PT for that day. Waiting and waiting for my session. I ended up meeting with my friend and chatted for a little while. We chatted in our native language. Suddenly, a guy that I secretly admired from the gym walked by and said hello to me. He asked me (in Indonesia language)"Are you Indonesian too? How come I never saw you before in the gym?". It was a bit shock for me talking to a guy that I admired. And I answered:"Yeah, I've seen you before". Honestly, I wasn't happy that he said he never met me before. Because every time he went to the gym, I would secretly put my eyes on him. I know I should not expect anything from him. As I even don't know whether he was gay or not. Or even a homophobic. But after this conversation, I felt "high". Maybe I seldom talk to hot guys, it made me trembling when I encountered one. I love this feeling. I was not exaggerating but I really felt extremely happy for that 20 seconds conversation. I don't know what the feeling would be when there was a guy asking to be his date. Oh...I am dreaming. Ok guys, I just hope to be noticed. I want hot guys to approach me and ask for my mobile no. I want a boyfriend!!

I am gay, what should I do?

This is my first entry of my gay journal. The reason I share my thoughts on this blog because I don’t have anyone else to share my story with. It is hard to be gay when people acknowledge you as a straight man. When I was six, it was my first gay arousal experience that I accidentally entered a changing room and saw a man with his undies on. I just felt that I wanted to see it again and again without knowing what the feeling really was. As I grew up, the feeling towards male was getting stronger and stronger. Honestly, I didn't feel uneasy of being gay because it grew with me. Since it was not something that appeared instantly. The only problem is that I am alone. No one knows who I am exactly. It is just too much for me, to pour everything on my first entry. Just to let you know, I am in my twentieth, single (read: never have a date before) and virgin. I don't want to live in a denial but how I am going to face the world when they know that I am gay. Will they change their perspective for who I am? I am really afraid to know the answer. Let's see what happened in the future. As we become mature day by day, maybe someday I will have the answer when I am really ready. At last, this is just an ordinary blog about gay boy who doesn't know what to do with his sexuality and I want to see how this blog will tag me along to the next level in the queer world.